Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
