new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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