And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Randomize
