Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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