I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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