i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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