I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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