Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Can you bring me the toilet please
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
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