happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
PANTIES FOUND
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
