The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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