I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize