i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Randomize
