her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
