just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
We left an ass print on the piano.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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