sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Don't tell me you're on acid again
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