You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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