Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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