I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Randomize
