I hope my margaritas pass through security.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
