My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
