I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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