my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
