OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
