im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
There's a naked man in my car right now.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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