I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
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