Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Randomize