I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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