there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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