hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Randomize
