just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
