Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
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