I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
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