he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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