You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
