you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
