Fine. I'll sleep in my office
PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
I didn't shave. On purpose
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Randomize
