there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
