I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Nevermine. I'm just going to tell you on Myspace with a glitter graphic.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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