I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
