I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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