i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
