i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
