i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
