my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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