I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Randomize
