shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize