We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Randomize