I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
