Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
My feet surprised me
that is very illegal...i love you.
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