god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Randomize
