K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
