1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
