I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
