im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
