I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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