If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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