I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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