I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
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