sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
